I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
