Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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