I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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