I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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