I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I could fuck to npr.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
