I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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