Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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