I wish I only lived at night.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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