those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
