I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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