Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
