I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
