I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
