plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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