Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
