Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
