I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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