Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
