So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
