I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
