Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
