Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
so let's talk penis.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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