I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
