I wish I could teleport
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
