he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
