You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
