There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
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Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
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I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.