Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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