I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
