remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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