the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
