mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
