I just cut my nipple shaving
it was like eating out sand paper
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
