they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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