Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
