I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
