Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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