you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
