rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Oh god it's open bar.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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