I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
