they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
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I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
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It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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