We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
