She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
