oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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