i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Randomize
