My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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