When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
