I accidentally had phone sex last night
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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