sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume