i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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