The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
