I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
