Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
