He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I supernannyed him into submission
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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