He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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