i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
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I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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