There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
